Thoughts on Turning 49 and the Tunnel of Love

 

            
Music finds us. It finds us at the right time and place. Last year for me it was the album, Like a Rock, from Bob Seeger. This year it has been, Tunnel of Love, from Bruce Springsteen. I have the tape and have been listening to it again and again as I cook. Tunnel of Love is an overlooked gem from Bruce. For me it was overlooked because it came out after Born in the USA, and is nothing like that album. I wasn’t ready for it at that time in my life. Tunnel of Love is a quieter more reflective album. It was written and recorded as Bruce was going through a divorce, and wrestles with themes of what true love is about. It is different from the other songs of Bruce about love and longing. It is more mature.* I suppose this is why it is speaking to me. Because love is not easy. The older I get the more I see how difficult it is to love and be loved.

            In the song, “One step up”, Bruce sings, “When I look at myself I don't see the man I wanted to be. Somewhere 'long the line I slipped off track.” When I was young I had lots of ideas about how life would be, about who I would be. In many ways my life has exceeded my expectations. But I am also well aware of my short comings. I am well aware of all the ways I have fallen short to live up to what that younger version of myself had hoped for me.

            Every generation feels that we can do better than the last. We believe we will correct their sins, and sometimes in doing that we create our own. I will often think about the choices I have made with regard to how I am a father, husband, son, brother, pastor. In many ways I am proud of how I have done those things. But in other ways I know I have fallen short. I could or should have done things differently.

            For example, my parents would always fight putting up the Christmas tree and putting up the tent before camping. I swore I would never fight during those two times. And I can say that Vicki and I have never had a fight during those two times. In fact, while putting up the Christmas tree we have a really wonderful tradition of having a drink and making nachos. It is a way to make the event more relaxed and fun. But the truth is we fight over other things. I wonder what my kids will say someday about us. What will be the thing they will swear not to do? What will be the ways they try to do better than us? What will be the thing that will trip them up? What are the things I am passing on to them that are unhelpful and harmful?

            I also realize that as I get older that I am who I am. The core of who I am is not going to change that much. In the song, “Brilliant Disguise”, Bruce sings, “So when you look at me
you better look hard and look twice. Is that me, baby Or just a brilliant disguise?” As you get older your friends and those that love see you through all of the failed attempts to hide your true self. They see who you are warts and all. What I am constantly amazed at is that despite my flaws people love me anyway. That is the wonderful thing about growing older your relationships only deepen. Those relationships are now based on real things, and real people. True love requires this of us to see each other as we really are.

            I think this is Bruce point in the songs on Tunnel of Love. Love has to be about more than simply wanting to be with someone because you are attracted to them. It has to go deeper. It has to be about loving someone through and because of their imperfections. I know how imperfect I am, and that is why I need love. It is what I am so thankful for today. I am glad to enter into the tunnel of love. Even with all of the contradictions and difficulties. I am glad that people have loved me even through my brilliant disguise. The truth is that I am blessed that Vicki and I have built a life together that is sometimes messy and complicated, but it is always ours for better or worse. I pray my children will find their own way through this world. That they will know they are loved, that they know life is always imperfect and filled with grace. I pray that they will have friends that love them through their imperfections. I pray they will know how much they are loved. I pray that they will feel as blessed as I feel. At the end of the day that is what comes through in these last 49 years how much people have loved me and loved me in a real way. As I turn 49 that is what I am left with thankfulness for all of that love. Thanks to all those who love me in this world!

 

49 Birthday Playlist

 

Into Giants – Patrick Watson

You – Benny Bianco, Marshmellow, and Vance Joy

Instant Karma – U2 (cover)

Tougher Than the Rest – Bruce Springsteen

How Dare You Want More – Bleachers

Dealer – Lana Del Ray

Pass It On – Ryan Hurd

One Step Up – Bruce Springsteen

We Can’t Make It Here – James McNurty

Across the River – Bruce Hornsby and the Range

Shame on the Moon – Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band

You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette

The Haves – Eddie Vedder

Lighting People – Johnny Marr

Love Her Madly – The Doors

Don’t Be Cruel – Billy Swan

Tomorrow – Waxahatchee

Follow – Richie Havens

You’re All I Need to Get By – Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell

Painkillers – Kitten Surprise

Hello it’s Me – Todd Rundgren

Everything Reminds Me That You’re Gone – Buck Owens and His Buckaroos

Can’t Rely On You – Paloma Faith

Plastic Jesus- Tia Blake

Brilliant Disguise – Bruce Springsteen

My Opening Farewell – Jackson Browne

No Such Thing – John Mayer

Wanted Dead or Alive – Bon Jovi

Both Sides Now – Emilia Jones

 

*My sister Jen went to see Bruce as he toured for this album. At the time I was not jealous because I didn’t care for this album. She was older and knew the importance of the themes that Bruce sings about. She told me that at the concert Bruce sang Born to Run, in the way it was on the album. Then he told that audience, “that is how I used to feel about love, but it has changed. I see it as more complex.” He then sang Born to Run again but much slower and more complex. I love that idea that a song can be more than one thing depending on how it is sung, and it changes the meaning. It also shows the mindset that Bruce was in during this album and tour.