Thoughts on Turning 50

    

Every once and a while I choose a band or solo artist to explore more and take a deep dive into their discography. This January I decided to get to know more about the Cure. I have been listening to the Cure a lot. They are so good! I kept asking myself why I missed them the first time. Here is the easy answer. It was my own prejudice as a young person. I remember in eighth grade a talent show someone did a lip sync to the Cure's "Lovesong".  At the time I thought that only weirdoes and losers listened to the Cure. I was into heavy metal at that time in my life, and any other form of music I would dismiss as less than great music like Aerosmith, Motley Crue, AC/DC, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Kiss, Whitesnake, etc… Of course, my musical taste changed over time. I grew out of that phase into listening to more diverse music.

            Here was my great mistake as a young person. I missed out on so much because of my narrow view of the world. I believed then that there was something that was "cool". As I turn fifty I realize more and more how uncool I am. My kids tell me this all the time. I am out of step with whatever the latest fads are. However, I think this is a good thing because I now see the truth that we are all geeks (shout out to my college professor who taught this in my politics and religion class).

            There are lots of reasons why I am having a difficult time turning fifty. It seems like something momentous. I suppose it is as simple as I don't know how many years are ahead of me. As a lifelong best friend said to me recently, "I would like to believe that I will retire at 65 and have a nice long life, but we both that is not guaranteed." You get to a certain age and realize that you are as old as your parents, or that more and more of your friends are not in great health. I have actually already lost friends to cancer. No one is given tomorrow. When you are young you simply don't have that perspective, nor should you.

                However, one of the things I want to celebrate this year is that I do have a wider perspective on the world and myself. I don't judge people like I once did. I realize now that I am a weirdo and loser too. I realize that we all are cut from the same human cloth. We are all vulnerable, afraid, and lost. We all seek redemption and sense of where we belong in this crazy world. The older you get the more you come to understand yourself. You come to see that you are not cool and never will be. This allows you to grow in relationships and love others and yourself more.

            The cure on the song "In between days",  they sing, "Yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die / Yesterday I got so old it made me want to cry." It is a song about regret, and about wishing you could take some things back. I wish I could take a lot of things back from my younger days. I wish I was more open-minded at an early age, but I was trying to be cool. The great thing about me now is I know I am not cool at all, and I can simply listen to the music I like or explore different music. I can be open to everyone I meet and love them for who they are, rather than only like the people who are "cool" like me. There are some things about getting old that I don't like. I don't like that I can't eat and drink whatever I want without consequence. I don't like the feeling that my life might be coming to an end. However, there are also some things I am really thankful for. I am thankful for knowing myself better because it helps me accept and love myself. I am thankful that I have a wider perspective on other people, it helps me to accept and love others too. I am thankful for my wife and kids. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful I get to be a pastor.

                Ultimately I am thankful to be alive and to grow old. I love my life and want it to keep going. I want to continue to explore new music. I want to learn more about the diversity in the world, and hear more stories that make me laugh, cry, and think. If you are reading this I want to thank you for being part of that journey with me. Thanks for putting up with me as I grew and learned more about myself and the world. Thanks for loving me, because when I think back it is your love that has helped me in my life to grow and change. As the Cure sings, "However far away I will always love you / However long I stay I will always love you / Whatever words I say I will always love you." That is what we really are left with at the end of the day the love that we share with one another. Thanks for your love over these 50 years!